in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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