I'm going to jail i love you
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
