No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
whose parrot is this?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
