There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Life is so much better after having sex.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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