I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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