Screwed.edu
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He better not be in your backpack
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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