When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
