i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
