just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
