I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
are you so shy because you have an std?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
