what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize