Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
