i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
