She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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