A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
