im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We are all done wearing pants today
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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