She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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