You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
