Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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