Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What drink are we having for lunch?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
