im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Randomize
