The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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