Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
handjob tips. give me some.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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