Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
