Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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