if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
we should paint friendship bongs
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