My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
