you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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