I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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