i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
