i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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