well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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