1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
