Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
