I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
