You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
