Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
