Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
