Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
