he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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