Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I need to stop coming to work sober
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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