i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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