Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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