I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
