so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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