You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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