they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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