my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
