girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
