I have demons in me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
