there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
