Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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