I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize