She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
