was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
